


Please Hold

by orphan_account



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alien Cultural Differences, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Crack Treated Seriously, Customer Service & Tech Support, Dialogue-Only, Heated Arguments Over Legitimate Scrabble Words, Heated Arguments Over Tongue Twisters, Implied Sexual Content, Inspired by Fanfiction, M/M, Mild Language, Mild Technobabble, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Shiro (Voltron), Post-Canon, Recreational Drinking, Shiro (Voltron) is So Done, Space Pirates, but i never forgot that idea, featuring all of the Obnoxious Bullshit shiro has to deal with on a regular basis, i dont even remember what fandom the fic was for or who wrote it or anything, like. HEAVILY implied, presented without commentary. lol, the idea of a dialogue-only phone call was inspired by this old fic from 2011
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:40:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21828355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Shiro tries to recover a personal package.Just like everything else in his life, it doesn't go as smoothly as he hopes.
Relationships: Adam/Shiro (Voltron), Background Keith/Lance (Voltron), Minor or Background Relationship(s), background Curtis/Kuron (Voltron)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 36





	Please Hold

**Author's Note:**

> shiro is in regular font, while everyone else is in italics! 
> 
> i tried to make all of the speakers clear, but apologies if i didn't quite succeed xoxo

_“…look, sir, I’m afraid you aren’t really makin’ much sense here.”_

“Not making much..? Okay, look, here’s what happened. I placed my order more than three weeks ago. Sixteen quintants go by, and still nothing, not even an email update. Then, this morning, I receive an email from the cargo processor saying that my order was mistakenly sent on the wrong ship. Now, according to the tracking number they sent, my package was sent to _somewhere_ in the Galra Republic! How does a _Galra_ cargo ship pick up mail being sent to _Earth_!? We’re halfway across the universe, for God’s sake!”

_“Uh-huh.”_

“A-And not only that, but when I tried calling the _first_ time, I got put on hold for literally almost five hours! That’s half the workday, for crying out loud! I went to _three_ different meetings and went out to lunch for _two hours_ before I finally got through to somebody… which actually turned out to be an automated machine that just immediately put back on hold!! Now, _two days later_ , I’m _finally_ talking to someone who isn’t a computer, and all you’re telling me is that I’m not _making any sense_?!?”

_“No need to raise your voice, sir, I’m tryin’ my best to assist you.”_

“Sorry, sorry. I know, it’s not your fault. It’s just… I’m normally a pretty patient guy, but this is just ridiculous! I’m at the end of my rope here!”

_“Well, sir, try not to give yourself an ulcer about it. Now, you did give them your name and current address?”_

“Yes.”

_“You did specify that you were in the X-9-Y System, right?”_

“Nooo, I told them I was in the Thaldycon System.”

_“Sarcasm isn’t gonna help me find your package any faster, sir. Did you specify that you were in the X-9-Y System or not?”_

“Yes, I told them I was in the X-9-Y System. I made sure to put the hyphens and everything. Are you happy now?”

_“Getting yelled at by people all over the universe for twelve GAC a varga? You bet. Now, gimme just a dobash or two, your name should be on file somewhere… another dobash… aaany tick now…”_

“…how long does this normally take?”

_“Ehhh, depending on the radioactive interference… anywhere between a few ticks to a few varga.”_

“A few varga?! Is there any way we can speed it up? I’m not really supposed to be making personal calls at work…”

_“Hey, man, I wish there was. Solar interference and all that, you know how it is.”_

“Uh-huh... Oh, do you think you could hold real quick? I’m getting another call.”

_“Sure thing.”_

“Thanks.”

**BEEP!**

“Hello?”

_“Hey, Shiro, it’s Lance!”_

“Hey, Lance. What’s up? Anything wrong?”

_“No, no, nothing’s wrong. It’s just– I had a question for you. And yeah, normally I’d text you, but this is kinda urgent.”_

“Okay, shoot.”

_“Okay, so– long story short: me and Keith were bored out of our minds, since he’s between assignments right now and I took another extra day off to spend time with him while he’s here. And, don’t get me wrong, I love him to death, he’s the other half of my orange, the stars in my night sky, blah blah blah.”_

“But?” 

_“Buuut, the reality is, I can only spend so long binge-watching all the years-worth of TV we missed before I need to get up and just… do_ _something, you know?”_

“Sure.”

_“And so, through some means of events, we resorted to going through my closet for entertainment. Well, under this box of my mom’s family mementos that I somehow managed to obtain, we found an old game of Scrabble. Kinda weird that it’s here, since neither of us own any board games to speak of since, hello, we’re both twenty-somethings who don’t have kids yet – nobody our age owns actual board games anymore. But, hey, compared to mystical space lion ships and mermaids and cosmic wolves and whatnot, it’s definitely not the strangest thing that’s happened to us, right?”_

“Right.”

_“So we dusted it off and started playing a friendly match, as you do whenever you find a game of Scrabble in your closet.”_

“As you do.”

_“Everything was going fine for a while, great even! I was winning–“_

_“You were_ not _winning, Lance.”_

_“Excuse me, but this is an A-B conversation, so you can C yourself right on out of it!”_

_“Ugh.”_

_“Don’t roll your eyes at me, ponytail, or else they’ll get stuck looking at the ceiling. Then how are you gonna cheat, huh?”_

“Uh. Lance?”

_“Right, sorry! Sooo, where was I… Right. So, I was totally winning, right? And suddenly, everything comes to a screeching halt. All because Keith thinks that ‘quiznak’ is not a viable word.”_

_“Because it’s not!”_

_“That’s for Shiro to decide, not you!”_

_“We don’t_ need _Shiro to decide, because the rules have been set in stone since the 1930’s! Do you not know how to play Scrabble?”_

_“Yes, I know how!”_

_“Clearly not, ‘cause if you did, you’d know that foreign words aren’t allowed!”_

_“But it’s not a foreign word! We say ‘quiznak’ all the time!”_

_“But we’re playing Earth Scrabble! And ‘quiznak’ isn’t an Earth word, so that makes it foreign!”_

“Uh, guys?”

_“But foreign words are usually accepted if they’re commonly understood in the language as the game! Everybody knows that, it’s like an unspoken rule! Besides, now half the planet says ‘quiznak’ on the regular!”_

_“That doesn’t matter! It’s not in the official dictionary so therefore it’s still considered a foreign word!”_

“Keith?”

 _“Ohhh-ho-ho, I see how it is. So when you pull out ‘coniines’ and ‘syzygy’, which I’ve never even freaking heard of,_ those _are considered real words, but when I try to use ‘quiznak’, which is a word we use literally several times a day in our daily conversations, suddenly it’s ‘illegitimate’ and ‘nonviable’ just because it’s of Altean origin! Just admit it, you’re just trying to rob me of my fifty point bonus!!”_

“Lance??”

_“’Syzygy’ is a real word, I’ll have you know! It’s in the dictionary!”_

_“Sorry, I don’t take the word of thieves with bad ponytails!”_

_“Oh, so you don’t like the ponytail? That’s funny, ‘cause from what I recall, you were wild about it when I first showed up with it! You wouldn’t keep your hands to yourself the whole way home, all because I showed a little neck!”_

_“Oh, big talk from the same guy who acted the same exact way! Remember when I put on my uniform for the first time? You were trying to tear it to shreds! I showed up to work twenty minutes late with a hickey on my neck! Do you know how tacky that is?”_

“Uh, guys??”

_“Will you ever let that go? It was almost two years ago! Besides, you could’ve stopped me, but you didn’t, because you secretly wanted me to! You can’t help yourself either! Face it, Lance, you’re just as bad as me!”_

_“I am_ definitely _not as bad as you! Let’s get that straight right now!”_

_“Oh-ho-ho, you’re not that bad, huh?”_

_“No, I’m not!”_

_“Those pictures you sent me about a month ago say different.”_

_“I-I..!”_

_“Yeah, I bet you thought that was real cute, didn’t you, Lance? Teasing me like that when you’re three galaxies away? That was really something. Part of me wonders how you got so good at taking pictures like that, but the other part of me… well, I think you already know what that part thinks, don’t you?”_

_“….”_

_“Speechless, huh? What’s the matter, hotshot? Can’t take the heat?”_

_“…oh, shut up.”_

_“Good one, Lance.”_

_“Just get over here and let me make it up to you already."  
_

_"About time..."_

**BEEP!**

“…oookay then.”

_“Back so soon?”_

“Not soon enough, really. Blech... Anyway, have you made any progress?”

_“Actually, yeah, solar interference must’ve cleared up for a tic. I’ve got your file here.”_

“Perfect!”

_“Now, just to confirm everything, I’m gonna run through the details with you. Shipping confirmation, order number, shipped items... hm, cute. Looks pretty comfortable. Kinda pricey, though – yeesh. I see somebody’s paid a good salary. Makes me jealous.”_

“Can we focus on the issue at hand, please?”

_“Whatever you say, sir. So, I see here that your order was made on a site called… ‘VoltronLegendaryMerchandise.com’...?”_

“Yes.”

 _“...why are you buying Voltron merch? Weren’t you_ in _Voltron?”_

“Uh… well, technically, I was, for a little while.”

_“’A little while’?”_

“Yeah, but, er… I was… briefly _incapacitated_ , so I was temporarily replaced by my.… twin. I came back, though, so he…. retired.”

_“Hmm. Sounds kinda complicated.”_

“It kinda was.”

_“Right. Well, if I cared, I might ask, but… I don’t. So, putting the mild egotism of purchasing your own merch aside, I think I might’ve discovered what happened to your order. You bought from this vendor, somebody called… snrk… ‘Lion4EverFan’?”_

“Yes.”

_“That might explain some things, then.”_

“What kind of things?”

_“Well–”_

“Oh, actually, can you hold that thought?” 

_“Another call?”_

“Yeah. Do you mind?”

_“Nah, go for it. I’m on the clock, so take as long as you want, man. I’m getting’ paid either way.”_

“Thanks.”

**BEEP!**

“Hello, Princess. Er, I mean, Queen. Wait, I mean–”

_“Oh, please, Captain. No need for formalities from my dear friend. It gets old when I hear it every single tick.”_

“Sorry. Old habits are hard to break. How are you, Allura?”

_“I’m quite well, Shiro. I’ve just finished my work for the evening, and I’m elected to unwind with some glasses of nunvil. Just two for now, since it’s still rather early. I am, however, working on a third at the moment.”_

“Sounds great. I’m jealous.”

_“Oh, come now, Shiro. A few phoebs from now and you’ll be unwinding for several movements with your life partner. Just remain patient until then.”_

“I’ll try, but it’s shaping up to be rather difficult.” 

_“It usually does, I’m afraid. Just know that you have my utmost support. Anyway, I’ve got Romelle with me at the moment. Say hello to Shiro!”_

_“Hello, Captain!”_

“Hi, Romelle. Good to hear from you.”

_“Thanks!”_

_“I apologize for calling at this hour, but I simply wanted to confirm something with you.”_

“Sure. Of course. What is it?”

_“I simply wished to know…”_

_“Snrrrk..!”_

_“Hush!”_

“Uh… what did you wanna know?” 

_“Ah, I simply wanted to know… was Fuzzy Wuzzy fuzzy, or was he not?”_

“What?” 

_“Oh, it’s just that… as you know, Coran was on your planet for a few quintants last movement, and when he returned, he regaled to us this Earth saying! However, the meaning has caused quite some confusion here – why, Romelle and I have been debating Fuzzy Wuzzy’s alleged fuzziness for nearly two varga now!”_

_“’Alleged’ nothing, Allura! He was fuzzy – it’s a part of his quinsacking name!”_

_“Oh, hush now, Romelle! Anyway, Shiro, please, do tell her that Fuzzy Wuzzy was not fuzzy. She’s driving me right snarloft in the cranker!”_

“Uh… you mean… Fuzzy Wuzzy… as in the _bear_..?”

_“Why, the very same! How do you know of him? Coran told us the myth was rather obscure!”_

“Well, you see… Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. A very famous bear, of whom was so famous that ancient Earthlings modeled a linguistic phrase after him.”

_“I see.”_

“And, as the legend says, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair.”

_“Indeed.”_

“Therefore, logically speaking, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t very fuzzy, was he?”

_“….”_

“…”

_“…now you just aren’t making any sense.”_

_“Yes, I’m afraid you’ve lost me as well, Shiro.”_

“Well, I would love to explain it to you guys, but I’m actually in the middle of a business call right now. Do you think I can call you back later when I have more free time to debate the mythos of old-fashioned linguistic idiosyncrasies?” 

_“Oh, of course! I apologize if we interrupted your call. Please, do get back to it and refer to us at your discretion! In the meantime, perhaps Romelle won’t drive me straight to Wozblay.”_

_“Hey!”_

“I doubt she will. Have a good rest of your quintant, and – hey, try to slow down on the nunvil. Cut it with water if you plan to keep drinking. And stay in for the rest of the night, don’t go anywhere under the influence. Party responsibly.”

_“Of course, Shiro. Thank you.”_

“Night, ladies.”

_“Boy, he really is quite the dad, isn’t he…?”_

_“Yes, truly...”_

**BEEP!**

“Still there?”

_“Unfortunately.”_

“Great.”

_“So, about that vendor–“_

“Oh, come on.”

_“Another ‘emergency’?”_

“It could be.”

_“You don’t know?”_

“I usually only get calls strictly for emergencies, so this is unusual.”

_“Well, go on, then. I could use a snack anyway.”_

**BEEP!**

“What is it, Matt?”

_“That’s some way to greet one of your friends, Shiro.”_

“Sorry, I’m just a little busy at the moment. I’m on this call, see…”

_“Well, since you’re so busy, I won’t take up too much of your time.”_

“I appreciate it, man. So what do you need?”

_“Well, as you know, I’m on New Olkarion until literally the week of the wedding. Rebuilding an advanced alien society on another planet is hard and extremely time-consuming, so I haven’t been able to get much time off. However! Despite that, I’ve been taking my duties as your best man very seriously.”_

“Huh?”

 _“Oh yeah, I’ve got everything taken care of: what kind of flower your boutonnieres are going to be, what kind of tie the groomsmen are wearing, what_ color _tie the groomsmen are wearing, where your bachelor party is going to be, what kind of stripper you’d like the best – it’s all ready and raring to go!”_

“Um, that’s… Wait, did you say ‘stripper’??”

_“However, between restructuring the planetary militia, helping my dad design the teludav station and helping Pidge with Project Dairugger, I’ve found myself with a little bit of free time, and I’ve decided to make the best of it and pen my best man speech!”_

“Matt, that’s not really necessary. You’re not actually my…”

_“I’ve already come up with a lot of jokes at your expense to sprinkle in with my wishes for a happy future together and whatnot. But I just wanted to touch base with you and make sure I don’t mention anything too… sensitive.”_

“’Sensitive’?”

_“Yeah, you know! I don’t wanna bring up any taboo subjects! The best man speech is all about making jokes at your expense and poking fun at your relationship and whatnot, not breaking you guys up again! I just don’t want to unbury any hatchets, is what I’m saying. I know they say ‘third time’s the charm’ and all that, but I don’t want to be a homewrecker again, Shiro, not for the second time!”_

“When was the first time…?”

_“Oh, come on. You know…”_

“Enlighten me.”

_“Kerberos?”_

“What _about_ Kerberos??”

_“Oh, don’t be modest for the sake of my feelings, Shiro. I know what really happened. Anyway, I already have a short list of things to make fun of here, so just tell me if these would be considered any points of contention.”_

“That’s really not…”

_“Ahem! Leaving him to go drill ice samples on a moon of Pluto.”_

“Jesus.”

 _“Your time as a gladiator. Your time as leader of Voltron. The time you died. The time_ he _died. The time your life force got transferred into an extra clone body or something. When you tried to legally adopt Keith and hid the papers in your sock drawer. Keith stealing his car that you were borrowing while your bike was in the shop. The way you don’t wash out your dishes after you use them, you just leave them in the sink and let them get nasty. How loudly you snore. Your clone brother who he accidentally tried to kiss once thinking he was you. Your arm. His leg. His–“_

“Hey, Matt, do you mind if I call you back? I’m getting another call.”

_“Sure, man. Just don’t take forever! I only have a little bit of time to do write this perfect best man speech, after all!”_

“Right…”

**BEEP!**

“Sam, your son’s lost his marbles. I think the loss of his hair has finally broken his psyche.”

_“Captain!!”_

“Uh… Sam..?”

_“Captain, what kind of socks are you wearing today?”_

“Oh, God. Slav, is that you?”

_“Yes, it is me! Who else would it be?”_

“How did you get Sam’s comm.?”

_“I am merely borrowing it for the time being! Now, Captain, the task at hands–“_

“Slav, we’ve discussed this at length. Unless it’s an absolute emergency that will cost any amount of lives in _this_ reality, then you are _not_ supposed to talk to me directly for the sake of my blood pressure. Where’s Sam, or Ryou, or literally _anybody_ else??”

_“They are both preoccupied at the moment, now answer the question! It is of dire importance!”_

“Ughhh…. um, the kind I always wear? The kind I literally own ten pairs of because I’m ‘boring’ and ‘utilitarian’ according to my sock-snob fiancé?”

_“What kind, man, what kind?!”_

“Cotton-nylon blend, plain black, mid-calf height… Must I go on?”

_“Did you say mid-calf height?! Oh, no, this cannot be!”_

“Dare I ask... no, actually, I don’t.”

_“Captain! If you do not change those socks within the next two minutes and twenty-two seconds, then approximately, there is a 51.95408% chance of something detrimental happening in this reality!”_

“Hmm, that leaves, what, 49.05% possibility of nothing at all happening?”

_“Statistically, yes, but–“_

“Pretty good odds to me.” 

**BEEP!**

“Matt?”

_“Not quite.”_

“Oh. Looks like I’ve hung up on him. ‘Whoops’.”

_“I take it that wasn’t an emergency?”_

“You know, considering what it was actually about, I almost wish it had been.”

_“Sounds rough, buddy. Anyway, ready to hear about that vendor?”_

“Lay it on me.”

_“Right. So, while you were off handling your ‘emergencies’, I looked into this guy who took your order, and apparently, he was taken into custody of the Galran Security Force for conspiracy crimes.”_

“What?”

_“Yeah. Apparently, on top of infringing on the Voltron copyright by selling unlicensed merchandise, and falsifying the credentials necessary to sell with that name, he was also dealing contraband and selling private information to space pirates.”_

“Yikes.”

_“Yeah, tell me about it. Throw in a little fraudulent tax evasion and some minor draft dodging, and this guy’s record is pretty colorful.”_

“So, if this guy’s in jail, what does this mean for my order? How do I get it back from wherever it is?” 

_“That’s where it gets a little tricky...”_

“What does ‘tricky’ entail?”

_“Well, a few things. One, the tracking details malfunction as an error once the package entered Galra HQ thanks to their signal jammers, meaning its exact location is unclear. Two, I’ve already done you the favor of forwarding your file to the cargo processor in hopes that they can look into the delivery records. That should be coming in… oh, I’ll say a couple varga. Maybe a quintant tops.”_

“…can I just get my money back?”

_“From what I can see, I’m gonna tentatively say no. It seems like the vendor poured your money into funding some illegal arms for his favorite band of pirates, so it’s kind of… impossible to get back.”_

“What?! How is it impossible to– oh, come on…”

_“Man, you really don’t get a lot of calls, do you?”_

“Oh, lay off.”

**BEEP!**

“Hello?”

_“Please tell me you have changed your socks, Captain!! There is only–”_

**BEEP!**

“Now, back to – oh my God.”

**BEEP!**

“Hello?”

_“Shiro, my boy! How glad I am to hear from you!”_

“I hate to do this, Coran, but can you make it short? I’m on the other line, and it’s kind of important.”

_“Oh, of course, lad! Now, I see that the traditional attire you’ve chosen for your union ritual is rather… plain. Would I perhaps be allowed to sport my newly tailored bogwaggle cape during the ceremony? It’s singularly the most fancy piece of clothing I own these days! Oh, or perhaps a Trefalian long-coat? It certainly would liven up the ensemble quite a bit… no offense, my boy, but this ‘tuxedo’ you Earthlings wear is just so drab! There needs to be some sort of staple piece to bring some spice to the look! Why, I know for a fact that you would look simply dashing in a Forlongian brill hat, as would your groom!”_

“Coran, I have no idea what any of those things you just said are. However, if you have any questions about the dress code, you should talk to Adam. He insisted on handling all of that stuff, since he thinks he’s got a superior sense of fashion or whatever. Don’t you have his number?”

_“I do indeed. However, I already tried giving him a ring, and there was no answer!”_

“Okay, well… how about Hunk?”

_“He is currently in conference with the leaders of warring factions on Snazook IV. I know this because I already tried, multiple times…”_

“Lance?”

_“You know, Shiro, that’s the thing. I did call Lance. I’m quite concerned for his wellbeing.”_

“How come?”

_“He did pick up the call after about three rings. However, he did not seem to be able to hear me, and some very strange sounds were coming from the other end.”_

“What kind of sounds?” 

_“Well, everything was muffled and rather difficult to make out, but there was some banging involved, as if something was hitting a wall? And some squeaking, of course, can’t forget the squeaking. And I could hear Lance, very faintly, and he sounded very impassioned about something. Then, he yelled out for Keith, and that’s when I knew something had to be wrong! That was part of the reason why I called you, Number One, since you’re closest to his home at the moment, just in case he was in need of assistance.”_

“….”

_“Number One…?”_

“…”

_“Shiro? Are you still there, my boy?”_

“Coran… Lance is fine.”

_“Are you certain? Perhaps if you called him and heard for yourself, then you might not–“_

“N-no, I’m fairly certain that he’s fine. Sounds like he was better than fine, actually.”

_“Then why would he be making those sorts of sounds if he were fine? Riddle me that, Number One!”_

“Just… it’s a human thing. He’s fine. Trust me. He’s alright.”

_“Hmm… Fine. If you’re absolutely certain, Shiro, then I will defer to your judgment.”_

“Thank God for that.”

 _“Now, back to the matter of the wedding ensemble? I was hoping that you would be open to a more, er, elaborate print than just drab old black. Perhaps I could contact my tailor and obtain some swatches for your consideration. He has quite the knack for colors and patterns, I’ll have you know! Oh, and I would also like to propose that everyone wear matching shawls woven from the silk of the deadly snick! Oho, now_ that’s _how you make a wedding truly stand out, if you ask me!”_

“Coran, I’ll… I’ll get back to you later on that.”

_“Oh, of course, my boy. Just let me know! And consider the Forlongian frill hat!”_

“Thanks.”

**BEEP!**

“Good Lord.”

_“Break time over already?”_

“Please, for the love of everything that is holy, shut up and tell me something useful.”

_“Aw, somebody’s in a bad mood.”_

“Officially, yes.”

_“Well, lucky for you, I’ve got some good news. As it turns out, it’s not completely impossible to get your refund.”_

“Great.”

_“However, in order to start that process, I will need to turn you over to my supervisor, since I’m a mere call drone who isn’t authorized to handle refunds.”_

“Thank the heavens.”

_“So eager to get rid of me, Captain? I thought we had something special.”_

“Sorry, Rolo. It’s not you, it’s me.”

_“Stone cold, man.”_

“They call me Stone Cold Shirogane for a reason.”

_“Well, sir, I’m about to connect you to my supervisor. It should take just a tick or two for him to pick up. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy a moment or two of lovely waiting music. Please hold, and good riddance to ya.”_

**_CLICK!_ **

“Thank God.”

_**CLICK!** _

_“Bo bi Biih. Bobo bi-bi bii.”_

“You have _got_ to be kidding me.”

_“Bii bo bi-bi, boh bo-bi bii-bii boh.”_

“Uh… bii?”

_“Bi-bi-bii bo-boh bi bo boh.”_

“Umm… Oh! Do you mind holding? I’m getting another call.”

_“Bi-boh.”_

“Thanks.”

**BEEP!**

“Hello?”

_“Shiro!!”_

“Pidge?”

_“Shiro, I have incredible news!”_

“What is it?”

_“Chip piloted his first ship today!”_

“What?”

_“Yeah! Without any assistance, either! Of course, I was in the vehicle with him to make observations or in case of an emergency, but he singularly traversed the necessary 12.7 kilometers from my lab to my dad’s lab in the city so I could pick up a spare plasma alternator, then made the drive back too! All while maintaining the speed limit, calculating the shortest route to avoid traffic disruptions, and avoiding major obstacles like a fallen tree in the road!”_

“Wow, that’s amazing! Congratulations.”

_“Thanks!”_

“Less than a year old and he’s already taking the car out for a spin. You must be proud.”

_“Yeah, I really am… snf.”_

“You okay, kiddo?”

_“Y-yeah, I’m fine. I just…”_

“Yeah?”

_“It’s just… Chip, he’s… he’s growing up so fast!”_

“He’s… what?” 

_“It just seems I was beginning the first round of writing for his software codex just yesterday, and now, he’s performing fully functional, highly complex tasks like driving a vehicle. Soon enough, this final round of testing is gonna be complete, and I’ll… be contractually obligated to hand him over the Garrison so he can help advance the next generation of frontier exploration… snf.”_

“Oh, Pidge… that’s…”

_“I don’t want them to take him, Shiro. He’s like… my baby. I’ve put more blood and sweat and tears into him than an actual human mother does into nurturing a fetus. It’s not fair!”_

“Um… there, there?”

_“There must be something I can do to keep him. There has to be something!”_

“Oh, I dunno about that, Pidge… Oh, I’m getting another call. I’ll talk to you later.”

**BEEP!**

“Hello?”

_“…o need to yell, guys, it’s just cake! Everyone can have a piece, that’s why I always make extra!”_

“Hellooo? Hunk??”

 _“Here you go, Chancellor Nadzook, there’s you a piece, and here’s one for Mrs. Chancellor Nadzook for when you get home. Now, how about those truce agreements, eh? That sounds like the_ real _treat to me! Am I right?”_

“How can you even butt-dial somebody in this day and age…? Comms don’t even have buttons anymore...”

**BEEP!**

“Sorry about that.”

_“Bih-bo-bi.”_

“Right, so, like I was saying– ugh, what now?!”

_“Bi-bi.”_

**BEEP!**

_“Captain! Your socks! For the love of everything that is holy, you must–”_

**BEEP!**

“Sorry again, I just– oh my Lord.”

**BEEP!**

_“Shiro, what the hell? You hung up on me! Is that any way to treat your best man?! Keep this up and you can kiss your stripper goodbye–“_

**BEEP!**

_“Number One! I’ve called to inform you that my tailor is no longer available! Apparently, he was taken into custody for illegal dealings with space pirates, and worse: copyright infringement! You just can’t trust anybody these days, can you? However, never fear, I can find a new–“_

**BEEP!**

“This better be good.”

_“Takashi!”_

“Adam?” 

_“Takashi, I need your help.”_

“What is it?”

_“Now, before you get angry, let me just say one thing: that bitch started it. I just finished it, that’s all!”_

“What are you talking about?”

_“Don’t have an aneurysm or anything, but I may possibly… potentially… just might be… currently incarcerated at the local precinct.”_

“What?!”

_“Yeah.”_

“Why?!”

_“Well, let’s see... Disturbing the peace, petty assault, battery, arson, and resisting arrest. Not necessarily in that order, mind you, but I think that’s everything.”_

“What did you do??”

_“Erm… well, it’s a long story...”_

“Give me the CliffNotes.”

_“Okay, CliffNotes, um… Well, firstly, I’m gonna say this right here and now: if that lady didn’t want her purse to be lit on fire, then she shouldn’t have thrown it at my head. That’s just common sense!”_

“You lit a woman’s purse on fire?!”

_“Yeahh, that’s where the arson comes in.”_

“What about the rest?!”

 _“Well, apparently, it’s an ‘obstruction of justice’ and ‘impediment of duty’ to pretend to not speak English when an officer of the law is questioning you about why you threw a flaming purse at a woman – which, of course, qualifies as battery, even though I didn’t even come_ close _to hitting her! And, and,_ sure _, we might’ve gotten into a little disagreement in the bar before the cops actually got there, which takes care of ‘disturbing the peace’ and ‘petty assault’, but it was just words, Takashi, I wasn’t actually going to do anything to her! Besides, it’s not my fault she can’t take what she dishes out!”_

“How did you even get into a fight with this lady?”

_“She cut in front of me in line at the bistro and to get her back I might’ve called her bangs ugly. So what? Really I did her a favor, ‘cause she didn’t seem to be aware of how bad they looked! I mean, they looked like a toddler did them, Takashi! My dead grandma could’ve done a better job!”_

“Why were you out picking fights with rude ladies, Adam? Aren’t you supposed to be meeting the wedding planner at four?”

 _“Yes, I am! That’s exactly why I need you to get here and bail me out ASAP! I’ve had this appointment scheduled for over two months, and I’ll be_ damned _if I miss it because some lady got mad that I called her bangs ugly!”_

“Adam, I’m _busy_ right now! I can’t just drop everything to come bail you out because you decided to do a stupid impulsive thing!”

 _“Oh, like you’re one to lecture_ me _about stupid things, Mr. King of Doing Stupid Impulsive Things. Don’t think I forgot the time you thought that it was a good idea to–“_

“Hey, hey, hey now, this isn’t about me, this is about _you_ and your delinquency – which, come on now, I thought you got out of your system years ago. What happened? Didn’t you learn _anything_ from keying the side of Professor Montgomery’s car?”

_“Oh, get off my case. This is what you signed up for when you dropped down on one knee – spotty criminal record and all! Get used to it, buddy!”_

“I’d rather not, honestly. Lord… Can’t you call Curtis?”

_“He’s busy!”_

“Doing what?!”

_“Well, at the moment? Probably Ryou.”_

“Oh, okay. Wait… ugh, ew! Why is everyone roping me into their sex lives?!”

_“Who’s roping you into their sex lives?! Is it Curtis again? I already told him that no, a foursome with a clone of yourself would just be weird! Call me old-fashioned or prude or whatever, but that’s how I feel, deal with it!”_

“What? No, he didn’t– ugh, _Adam_!”

 _“What? I_ said _no!”_

“Why did you feel the need to tell me that?! I literally work next to him all day! I could’ve lived the rest of my life in peace without knowing that my communications officer wants to… oh, shoot, hold on, I’m getting another call.”

_“Ignore it!”_

“I can’t ignore it, Adam, it’s Iverson!” 

_“I’m literally sitting in prison, Takashi!”_

“I’vegottagobabeloveyoubye!”

_“Takashi, if you hang up this phone, so help me God…!”_

**BEEP!**

“Good afternoon, Admiral! What can I do for you on this fine, lovely day?”

_“Well, for starters, you can actually answer me when I call you. How’s that?”_

“I _am_ answering you, sir.” 

_“Yeah, after four tries! That makes this the fifth time I’ve tried to contact you, Captain. You know taking personal calls during active hours are against code.”_

**BEEP!** “Taking personal calls? Me? Why, I wouldn’t even dream of it, sir.”

_“Oh, cut the crap already. You’ve been on the line for the past forty-five minutes! I know for a fact that it has to be a personal call, ‘cause you’d never chat about work for that damn long!”_

**BEEP!** “Erm… well…”

_“So what is it this time, Shirogane? Another lover’s spat with Lieutenant Wolfe that just couldn’t wait until after hours?”_

**BEEP!** “Um… N-no, not exactly…. Er, what was the nature of your call, Admiral? I’m available for now, so…”

_“Eh, it wasn’t anythin’ serious. Nothin’ deadly – unless you count the smell in the men’s room, I mean!”_

“Right… so, nothing is wrong?”

_“Nah. I just wanted to remind you that personal calls aren’t really allowed unless they’re an emergency. If we let every Chatty Cathy call the other PTA ladies all day, then nothing would get done, you know?”_

“Right. I, erm… am sorry.”

_“Ehh, I’ll let it slide this time, since I like ya. But don’t tell nobody, got it?”_

“Yessir, Admiral.”

_“Good kid. Alright, Shirogane, I’ll let you wrap up your lover’s spat now. Good luck with that – oh, and tell Wolfe I said hello.”_

“Will do, Admiral. Thanks.”

**BEEP!**

“Okay, who’s this?” 

_“Hello again, Captain.”_

“Rolo? What happened to Mr. Biih??”

_“What do you think happened? You kept him on hold forever. The whole universe ain’t gonna wait for you all day, pal.”_

“I didn’t think it’d take that long…”

_“Well, unluckily for you, Mr. Biih left for the day, meaning you’ll have to contact him again tomorrow in order to get your refund.”_

“Seriously…?”

_“As the Spicolian plague, I’m afraid. Now, I can leave your contact info with him, but I can’t guarantee anything speedy. He might get around to calling you at… hmm, I’ll say… 4:30am two days from now? That’s what the computer is saying, at least. I was never the best at time dilation math, after all, so who better to ask than a cold, unfeeling mathematical machine?”_

“…”

_“…hello? Hey, you still there?_

“…”

_“Captain?”_

“…you know what? Just forget it.”

_“Forget it?”_

“Yeah. It’s not even worth it anymore.”

_“You sure?”_

“Yeah.”

_“If you say so, pal. You’ve got a few more days to change your mind, if you decide.”_

“Got it. Tell Mr. Biih I apologize, please.”

_“Sure thing. Have a good one, man.”_

“Thanks, Rolo.”

**BEEP!**

“Ahh… finally…. some peace and quiet.”

**BEEP!**

“Well… it was fun while it lasted....”

**BEEP!**

“Hello?”

_“TAKASHI!”_

“Hello again, love of my life.”

_“DON’T TRY TO SWEET TALK ME, JERK. YOU HUNG UP ON ME!”_

“I had to, Adam.”

_“’I had to, Adam.’ You could’ve ignored his call and he probably would’ve given you a raise! Everybody knows you’re his golden boy or whatever!”_

“Do I detect a hint of jealousy?”

_“You detect a hint of ‘ready to get the hell out of this cell’! I’ve been here for hours – my cellmate doesn’t know the meaning of ‘if you talk to me again about more inane bullcrap I’m gonna beat you to death with these godawful sandals they gave me when they took my shoes.’”_

“Well, someone’s touchy.”

_“OF COURSE I’M TOUCHY, I’M IN JAIL!”_

“Well, that’s nobody’s fault but your own… Wait, hold on a tick. Adam, you’ve already used your one phone call. How are you talking to me right now..?”

_“That’s not the issue here.”_

“Did you… did you smuggle a phone into prison?”

_“No, I’m sending you my thoughts through our telepathic bond. What do you think?”_

“Should you really be talking so loudly…?”

_“Oh, who cares?”_

_“Hey, you!”_

_“Yes?”_

_“Is it that a phone?”_

_“Noooo….”_

_“I can literally see it! You’re holding it up to your ear right now!”_

_“No I’m not.”_

_“Yeah, because you just hid it behind your back!”_

_“No I’m not.”_

_“Give it here.”_

_“No.”_

_“Give it here! I wanna call my wife!”_

_“Screw your wife, man! If you wanted to call her then you should’ve brought your own!”_

_“HEY, GUARDS? HE HAS A PHONE!”_

_“OH, YOU SNITCH–“_

“Adam?”

…

“Adam?? Hello??”

…

“Oh… damn it.”

**BEEP!**

“Hello?”

_“Good evening.”_

“Why are you calling me, Chancellor?”

_“Well, that’s quite the friendly greeting, Captain. Perhaps you need some lessons in diplomacy from Hunk.”_

“After the day I’ve had, I think I might be better off with therapy.”

_“I know someone with very fair rates per varga, if you’d like a recommendation.”_

“I might just take you up on that. Anyway, what is it, Lotor? No offense, but we don’t exactly call to chat about the weather or anything.”

 _“That may indeed be the case, which we truly ought to amend. However, I’m afraid that the nature of my call is not for idle chit-chat. Earlier today, I returned from my diplomatic venture on Pinto Sentos to a mailbox filled to the brim with incoming invoices. Among these invoices was a most_ peculiar _package that raised a fair amount of alarm amongst my security personnel.”_

“Oh…?”

_“Yes. It was singlehandedly the most beat-up thing you could imagine. It’s a wonder it was still intact by the time it arrived here.”_

“Oh.”

_“ Yes, my sentiments exactly. As you can imagine, these days you cannot be too careful. After multiple scans to ensure the safety of the package, I opened it, only to find a note inside with your name and address on it. You could say I was rather surprised.”_

“Oh! You got my…?”

_“Fuzzy slippers in the semblance of the Black Lion? Yes, somehow, I did.”_

“Oh, thank God. Let me tell you, it’s been a real pain in my neck trying to get those back. Apparently, the guy who sold ‘em to me is a mole for space pirates that embezzled my funds into arming them.”

_“Oh?”_

“Yeah. I was on the line for five hours the other day, trying to contact somebody about it.”

_“Truly abhorrent. You have my sympathies.”_

“Thanks. And, on top of that, everybody collectively decided to call me within the same time frame, wasting my time and asking about… legitimate Scrabble words, and whether it’s okay to talk about the reason my first relationship with my fiancé didn’t work out, and asking me to wear Forlongian brill hats to ‘liven up my ensemble’, and, and to change my boring work socks or else there’s a 51 point whatever the hell percent chance the entire universe will end! I’ve utterly and completely _had_ it!”

_“Your socks..?”_

“Slav somehow got my office number.”

_“Oh, you poor man.”_

“And on top of that, now I’ve got to go bail my crazy delinquent fiancé out of the detention center for throwing a flaming purse at some lady for cutting in line and pretending to speak nothing but Portuguese in front of an officer of the law! And worst off, after putting me through all of this trouble, I bet he _still_ won’t let me have my chocolate wedding cake!”

_“Wow, that certainly is a lot.”_

“You’re telling me.”

_“…although, I must say? I would’ve acted the same. Cutting in line is a most reprehensible offense here in the Galra Republic.”_

“Do _not_ side with him. He’s in trouble.”

_“My apologies. Well, if it will brighten your mood, then I will send your Black Lion slippers from my personal inbox as a high priority parcel. If they do not arrive by tomorrow, then give me a call and I will personally compensate you for your money and grief.”_

“Finally… something that went right today. Thank you, Lotor.” 

_“It’s the least I can do after the day you’ve had, Captain. Now, I will leave you to go pick up your partner now – good luck with that, by the way. It sounds as though you’ll need all the luck you can get.”_

“Trust me, I will need it. Thanks again.” 

**_CLICK!_ **

“Whew.” 

**BEEP!**

“Oh, what now?!?”

**BEEP!**

“No, you know what? Forget this! Let it ring – I don’t care anymore!”

**BEEP!**

**BEEP!**

**BEEP!**

**BEEP!**

**BEE–**

_“You have 18 unheard messages.”_

_“Message 1:_

_“Captain! Luckily for you, today, a crisis has been averted! I managed to decrease our chances of catastrophic destruction across the multiverse from 51.95408 to 29.44721 by getting your brother to change his socks! But next time, you must wear red socks to compensate!”_

_“Message 2:_

_“Scratch that, wear yellow socks with mint green polka dots! And make sure they are mint green – anything else would surely cause interdimensional chaos!”_

_“Message 3:_

_“Hello again, Number One, it’s Coran again! I figured I would give you a ring and update you on Lance’s condition, in case you were concerned. He’s just fine – better than fine, just like you said! Keith too, although I didn’t know that he was there! If I had known then I wouldn’t have worried so much. Now, on to business! I looked through some style samples, and I truly think that a Tando ensemble would stand out. Some skort pantaloons would truly make your calves pop, my boy! I’ve sent you some attachments in our personal channel on the comm. units, hopefully they went through – my signal is a bit spotty here. Anyways, give me a call back as soon as you can! We need to confirm all of this at a moment’s notice!”_

_“Message 4….”_

**Author's Note:**

> please leave kudos and comments in memory of space dad's patience. RIP in peace forever
> 
> also, if you want to see an adashi wedding like the one mentioned here, i've got you covered. just a note, this one does contain canon content from season 7, and it carries a much more serious tone, whereas this fic is (hopefully) pretty comical in comparison.....but i do like to think that, despite the cringey cheesiness, it's a good read that i'm proud of :''')


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